The Last Glyph
by Nike Megami
Summary: Chapter 2 is up, yay! What would happen if Raziel could use the glyphs in SR2? Read it all to find out and beware the evil tentacles! @_@
1. The Last Glyph

THE LAST GLYPH  
  
just one in the horrible series of LoK fanfics Nike could possibly imagine  
  
by Nike Megami  
  
Notice: I do not own Raziel, or Kain, or any of the characters or places mentioned in this fic. All copyright go to the respective geniuses whose creative minds gave birth to Legacy of Kain, Soul Reaver, and others (whom I shall not mention, for that would spoil the story!)  
  
Also, I apologize for the goofy symbols in the story...I don't know how to edit those out, so please bear with me!  
  
This one takes place sometime in SR1, after Rahab has been slain and all the glyphs are collected. ^-^  
  
  
Raziel stretched his arms at full length and hummed happily. With all the glyphs in his possession, he now had the means and the power to find Kain and defeat him, once and for all. His revenge drew nigh, and the exhilaration of his impending victory surged him over the edge of the cliff and into the pool of water below.  
Finally, he thought, no more wretched puzzles to solve, no more blocks to push, and no more stupid glyphs to search for! I am, at last, free to carry out my original mission!  
Not so fast, my angel of death, the Elder God reprimanded.  
Raziel growled. What more do you demand of me?! I'm not searching for another ruttin' glyph!  
I'll not have you speak to me in that fashion, Raziel. You know how easily I can destroy you.  
Raziel treaded the water as he retorted, I'm fed up with all your petty little missions for me! Can't I go slay my master in peace?!  
Actually, Raziel, there is but one more glyph you must find.  
  
WOULD YOU STOP SCREAMING AND ALLOW ME TO EXPLAIN?!?!?  
The entire earth rumbled with the Elder's resounding bellow, and a fissure beneath Raziel's madly thrashing feet threatened to yawn open and swallow him into oblivion.  
Needless to say, the blue stalker fell inordinately silent.  
Ahem. In the corner of the swamps of Nosgoth, there lies an ancient shrine, buried under centuries of plant growth. In this shrine, you will find the last and most powerful of the elemental glyphs.  
Ah. Even more powerful than the Sunlight Glyph?  
Sure, why not...by the way, it's to the northeast.  
With these last words, the Elder God left Raziel to his new quest.  
  
  
Raziel dove deep into the caves and crevasses of the world under the lake and swam for what seemed an eternity. Eventually he came upon a shallow area, from which he emerged, shook himself dry, and proceeded through the rest of the caves on foot.  
After following many twists and turns and finding himself wholly lost, Raziel spotted a wall which, with the power of Zephon's soul, he knew he could climb to escape from this labyrinth. He deftly scaled the wall and hoisted himself onto the ledge.  
What is this wretched place? he wondered.  
Surrounding him were filthy, muddy, sticky, wet piles of dead leaves with the occasional plant springing from their murky depths. Peculiar plants grew abundantly here, many with the recurring pattern of five leaves to a bud.  
That stupid glyph had better be easy to find, Raziel cursed in a low tone, gingerly picking his way through the swampy waters.  
  
After much torment and stepping in things he wished he'd never had the pleasure of finding, Raziel came upon a small stone doorway hidden in the trees. A crudely-painted sign hung above, reading:  
PSYCHE..........GLYPH  
snooch  
Raziel repeated to himself. Must be some sort of password.  
Remembering that single word, Raziel stepped bravely over the threshold and began thinking aloud.  
Psyche Glyph...I do believe the Elder is right. If I remember correctly, the psyche has something to do with the soul. So this Psyche Glyph should have the power to incapacitate anyone, including Kain.  
Raziel maliciously rubbed his hands together and chuckled. I will be unstoppable with this glyph.  
He found the decrepit, rotten remains of a wooden door down the end of the passageway and swaggered over it.  
Now, if I know anything about glyph shrines, there should be some guardians here—  
a human voice shrieked.  
Raziel whirled about, ready to destroy anything, and grumbled most disappointedly.  
What sort of sad mockery is this? he wondered silently.  
Before him, leaning against the wall, was a young man with long, unkempt hair and a five-o'clock shadow to put anyone to shame. Beside the youth was his dog, a pitiful German Shepherd kind of dog, but it looked poorly put-together, as if Melchiah had made the dog.  
Yo, Scoobs, you see that?! the youth whimpered.  
Ra roo!!! the dog replied.  
I think we been high too long, pal. I gotta stop this shit!  
The youth tried to get up, failed in that effort, and resigned himself to leaning against the wall some more. He placed a small white stick between his teeth, took a deep breath, and sighed happily.  
Screw running. I'm too damn hungry.  
Raziel tried anxiously to creep past these blundering fools when suddenly the human called out to him.  
Yo, wing-man! What brings you here?  
Ah.........I was just looking for something very important.  
Oh yeah? Well, if you keep going that way, you'll find some very nice men back there, they'll hook you up with whatever you need for a reasonable price. It's been nice meeting you!  
Grood ruck, Rrazielll! the dog happily chimed, then took a drag from the human's smoke stick.  
Raziel nodded curtly to the pair and tore down the hall. He didn't know how the dog knew his name, nor did he want to stay around them long enough to ask. At the end of the corridor he flung open the huge double doors, not noticing the five-leaf symbol imprinted on them.  
  
Raziel sighed in relief, now that he could no longer hear the creepy stoners down the hall, and stepped down the stairs towards the door below and beyond.  
This glyph had better be worth all this trouble, he said to himself. I'd readily push and pull twenty thousand blocks than have to deal with more things like those two!  
Suddenly he found himself surrounded by kinves, swords, and various other sharp implements of pain, mainly centered around his crotch and chest. He could not move without impaling himself and flinging himself into the Spectral Realm, and he didn't dare go searching for a planar portal. There had to be some way out of this predicament.  
Well, well, well, Lunchbox, look at this mother-fucker we just bagged.  
Raziel searched frantically for the source of the voice and found a long-haired human in his face. The human, apparently very full of some unnatural substance, glared deep into his eye sockets and laughed.  
Fuck. I think all those years of fuckin' weed and shit have finally caught up with me. Do you see this blue mother-fucker?  
Another human, this one large and silent, nodded in reply.  
Well, as long as he's here, we might as well try. Let him loose, Tons of Fun.  
The silent one clicked a button on his belt, and all the knives and pointy things flew back into their hiding places. Raziel loosened his joints, much relieved that he could move again.  
The long-haired human grinned. That's one of his specialties. He likes to fuck around with gadgets and shit. This man is a fuckin' genius.  
I don't doubt you one bit, Raziel lied. Will you let me pass?  
Well, I could just let you go on your way, but...that's not the way we do business.  
  
Yeah! Fuck. You mighta thought with all the weed and shit all over the place this stupid ass would figure out what we got goin' on here, right Lunchbox?  
Lunchbox nodded silently, gazing intently at Raziel.  
Uh, excuse me...what is your name? Raziel asked hesitantly.  
I'm Jay, the king of this fuckin' joint, and this is my cohort Silent Bob. You can call him Lunchbox or Tons of Fun, if you like.  
Well, Mister Jay...and Sir Silent Bob...I'm just here to get the most powerful glyph, and then I'll be on my way. It won't take me too long. Would you please just let me pass?  
Hey, what the fuck is with this fuckin' shit? Why do you call that fat fuck Sir and only call me Mister? What kinda shit are you tryin' ta pull here, you mother fucker?  
Silent Bob perked an eyebrow as Jay shoved Raziel ineffectually, and repeatedly.  
Raziel grasped Jay by the neck and shoved him against a wall.  
LET ME LEAVE IN PEACE OR I WILL DEVOUR YOUR SOUL!!! Raziel bellowed, yanking the scarf down from his face to expose the brilliant white fangs reaching for Jay's soul.  
Jay whimpered. I didn't wanna piss you off. Jesus fuckin' Christ, can ya put me down?  
Raziel dropped Jay to the ground, who dusted his hands off and rubbed his neck gently.  
Fuck, man. All you had to do was say the magic word, and we'll let ya go scot-free.  
Raziel wrapped the scarf about his head once more and sighed.  
Magic word.... He remembered the word he had seen on the sign above the entrance and regretted his eager zeal to follow the Elder's command to find the last glyph.  
he uttered.  
Jay slapped his hands to his forehead. Fuck, man! He said the magic word! How the fuck did he know the magic word!?  
Anyone coming through the front door can see where you painted it, stupid, Silent Bob retorted, and fell silent again.  
  
  
Jay reluctantly opened the doors Raziel had been so anxious to reach and bowed.  
Be brave, my man. What you find in there is the most potent shit in this whole goddamn world. It takes a real man to be able to stand up to that shit.  
Silent Bob also bowed, still retaining the dignity of his name.  
Raziel scratched his head and shrugged his shoulders. At least he was past the first of the real guards.  
He stepped through the doorway—and was rather surprised to find the glyph before him already.  
What?? This can't be it—that was far too easy! Even easier than that Force Glyph!  
He searched for other doorways, found none, and turned to stare at the glyph.  
Imprinted on it was the five-leaf symbol he'd seen on those strange plants and decorating the interior of this cursed shrine. Taking more notice of the surroundings, he saw a statue of a very pleased individual sucking from a long pipe, at the end of which lay the glyph, happily bobbing around in a bowl.  
I hope I don't regret this, Raziel muttered as he stepped towards the glyph.  
It circled about him, as he expected, and plummeted into his body. He shook his head, mused about the possible powers of this, the most powerful glyph in all of Nosgoth, and proudly left the room.  
Jay sighed, and immediately fell to his knees in worship of Raziel. Silent Bob followed suit.  
Raziel perked an eyebrow and stepped around the groveling humans.  
Why are you so...yielding? Raziel asked of them.  
Hey, man, you just bonged the biggest fuckin' bong in the whole goddamn world—and you're still standin' up straight!! You are a god!  
Raziel decided it would be easier to just accept the worship and go on his merry way to Kain. He found the nearest warp gate, stepped through to the Chronoplast, and hurried down the halls to the very heart of Mobius's hideout.  
  
Kain greeted him. I am rather disappointed in your progress. I expected you would be here more quickly.  
I just happened to find the ultimate weapon against you, Kain.  
Kain raised his eyebrows, apparently amused.  
You cannot stand against my most powerful Glyph...the Psyche Glyph!!!  
Raziel unleashed the power of his latest find. Swirls of green smoke filled the room, and in a flash of light the two of them found themselves feeling....very woozy.  
Kain muttered. What the hell was that?  
I dunno... Raziel raised his right hand, stared at the Soul Reaver and gasped.  
Bloody hell....my hand is HUGE!!  
Kain peered foggily at Raziel's hand and pulled a double take.  
You're bloody right! Your hand is enormous! Kain looked at his own and groaned.  
Mine is too!  
Damn! And look at these feet! They're huge too!  
Raziel stared in perplexion at his own feet, and the scarf around his neck lost its hold and slipped to the floor.  
Kain glanced at Raziel and shouted, Raziel! Your face!  
Raziel groped his own head and panicked.  
My jaw! Where's my fuckin' jaw?! AAAAH!!!  
He ran circles around the room, looking for his lost jaw, and gave up rather quickly.  
I'm so murderously hungry... Kain complained, and started munching on Raziel's scarf.  
Raziel retorted. That's my jaw!  
Oh. Forgive my rudeness.  
Kain handed him the scarf, which Raziel quickly tied around his face like a cowboy's bandana. The two of them sat down on the ground, leaning against the wall, and exchanged pathetic sighs.  
  
Hey, Raz? Kain said after a while.  
  
I'm bloody sorry about throwin' ya in the Abyss. I fucked up your wings good, didn't I, old fellow?  
Ah, don't worry about it. I can surely do cool shit with these wings.  
Oh? Like what? You bloody well can't fly.  
Why, sure I can!  
Raziel leapt up to the highest ledge, jumped for the middle of the chamber, and grabbed his wings. Floating gently like a leaf, he spiralled down slowly, using his wings as a parachute.  
Kain laughed his happy ass off, completely oblivious to the plans he had made for bringing Raziel to his destiny. Raziel forgot all about his revenge as he continued to flap and soar about like a drunk canary.  
  
The Elder God could see all this, and hummed with worry.  
I did not expect the Glyph to be this strong. My disturbed little Soul Reaver will be quite upset when he sobers up and discovers that it is not the Psyche Glyph, but the Psychedelic Glyph he has found—  
  
Oh, are you begging the author to stop the insanity? Okay, I'll stop, just so long as you promise to give me feedback on this little story. I want your honest opinions! Please give feedback!  



	2. Soul Reefer

THE LAST GLYPH CHATPER 2: SOUL REEFER  
  
by Nike Megami  
  
I know, the title is really lame . but I ran out of ideas. Once again, I will state that I own NOTHING from the LoK series except a few copies of the games which were LEGALLY purchased. I also don't own anything to do with Jay & Silent Bob, or Monty Python, or any of that. Respective copyrights go to those geniuses, without whom the world would unfortunately be very sane.  
  
Mobius tapped the end of his staff on the ground impatiently. He glanced at his left wrist, glad that he had made that trip to the future to buy a watch. What kind of time guru would he be if he couldn't even tell the time of day?  
It's been quite a long time since he's alerted me, he grumbled. I can only hope my master was right, that Raziel will be coming here...  
  
Kain, old buddy, old pal, Raziel cooed, lilting about on one foot.  
Wot is it, Raz?  
Do you remember why I came here?  
Kain paused thoughtfully for a long time.  
Hmmm....I don't seem to be able to remember either.  
Well, this is just wretched. I know it was something important!  
How about we sing a little ditty? Kain offered, mystically teleporting in a piano.  
Raziel furrowed his brow quizically.  
Where did that come from? he asked.  
Kain turned to the piano and did a double take.  
What the bloody hell?! Where'd the piano come from?  
I thought you said you were going to sing.  
Oh, that's right! Jolly good, my fellow...  
Kain seated himself at the piano, flexed his claws, and somehow managed to get the song off fairly decently.  
_Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis?  
Isn't it frightfully good to have a dong?_  
Raziel found himself chuckling and joining in the song.  
_It's swell to have a stiffy,/It's divine to own a dick,  
From the tiniest little tadger/To the world's biggest prick..._  
The masked, emaciated blue ex-vampire paused for a moment and looked down at himself, at the gaping nothingness between his legs.  
he bellowed. I haven't got one!  
_So, three cheers for your Willy or John Thomas..._What do you mean, you haven't got one?  
I haven't got a stiffy!  
Kain shook his head remorsefully.  
You'll never get laid that way.  
Well, wot should I do bout it?  
Beats hell outta me. Maybe, Kain suggested, fingering his chin thoughtfully, you ought to see if you could borrow one.  
Borrow a stiffy?! Are you MAD??  
  
Before Kain could answer his question, a very long, very wrinkled tentacle sprung from the center of the time streaming chamber and coiled about the two vampire-types.  
GET MOVING WITH YOUR DESTINY ALREADY!!! the Elder's voice boomed, and the tentacle hurled them into the portal.  
  
Raziel shook his head painfully. Something had happened, something horrible, and he couldn't remember a damn thing about it.  
He heard a low grumble of curses, a barely-whispered and then the proud, ringing voice of a very old man.  
Welcome, time-spanned soul. Welcome to your destiny...  
Raziel sighed angrily.  
Well, well, if it isn't you, he growled, leaping from his crumpled state on the ground to tower over Mobius. I should kill you where you stand.  
Mobius shrugged. Let's not be hasty, my dear friend. YOU are the one who kept me waiting several days for your appearance.  
Raziel furrowed his brow.  
Wait...if you're alive, that means I traveled BACKWARDS in time...ooof, my head is killing me...so how could you have waited for me?  
Mobius grinned.  
I AM the guardian of the Pillar of Time, silly. I know when and where everything is going to happen.  
You've just contradicted yourself; if you had known exactly when and where I would appear in this time, then how could you have been waiting impatiently for days?  
Mobius gritted his teeth and uttered silent curses.  
Ah, well, you know, the whole time travel thing is a bit shady...  
What is it you wanted with me? Raziel demanded. You'd better make it quick, for I'm dreadfully hungry.  
Whatever that meant, Mobius had no clue. He delved into his impassioned speech of how he and Raziel shared a common enemy and that they should at least not impede each other in Raziel's quest to slay Kain.  
Raziel, in the mean time, could not stand this old doddering fool's incessant chatter and rolled his head about on his neck. Hungrily he stared at Mobius, seeing through the flesh and bone to his very soul and dying to imbibe it.  
He nudged the cowl off his face and advanced towards Mobius, ignoring everything he heard.  
Raziel...what are you doing?? Stop it! Are you dotty??!  
Again the tentacle appeared, coiled around Raziel's broken waist, and threw him into the halls of the sanctuary. Mobius clutched his staff to his chest and panted.  
I fear something terrible has happened to our destinies...  
  
Raziel fought his way through the Sarafan sanctuary and headed for the Pillars of Nosgoth. Along his path he'd had more than enough foes to best and souls to devour, but no matter how many souls he imbibed he couldn't shake this burning hunger from his body. Was there something he forgot?  
He came upon the Pillars and marvelled at their pristine solidity. His moment didn't last long, however, as he soon noticed the presence of the scourge he had chased down.  
Quietly he crept up on Kain, making his every step more silent than the last.  
Oh, for God's sake, Raziel, I know you're there. Kain clutched his head and whirled about. Don't be so loud...  
I wasn't being loud at all, Kain.  
  
Raziel sighed and whispered, What the bloody hell is wrong with you? You're not the powerful bastard who damned me to this fate.  
This powerful bastard' has an ever more powerful bitch of a headache, Raziel. And I can't seem to sate this cursed bloodlust. I've gone through sixty corpses in the course of an hour.  
Funny you should mention that; I, too, seem to have been overtaken by a bottomless hunger. Souls, in my case.  
And yours is looking mighty tasty, he thought.  
Kain sighed and folded his arms. Well, now I'm supposed to give you some speech about a coin landing on its edge, but I'd really rather just lie down for a few hours. Would you mind waiting here for me? He started to walk for the edge of the platform.  
Raziel had determined to grab Kain's soul for himself, as the ultimate snack. Thinking he could control Kain's psyche, he again unleashed the power of his most potent glyph.  
  
Oh wow.... Kain muttered after staring at the sunset for a moment.  
  
That's the grandest thing I've ever seen.  
Raziel gazed at the sunset and shrugged.  
I've seen better.  
No you haven't! You've lived under clouds of smog all your life.  
You bastard! There was the sunset right before you threw me into hell!  
Shove it, Raziel! I declare you didn't see any sunsets, and I'm your father so that's final!  
You are not my father, Kain. You're just some bloke who came up and resurrected me with a whole lot of other blokes. I have no reason to regard you as a figure of authority.  
Ooh, someone's got issues with authority. Are you not satisfied being a pawn anymore?  
Pawn? What the bloody ruttin' hell do you mean by that? Raziel examined himself as he continued, I right well don't look like some rotten chess piece.  
Kain nervously glanced about as he replied, Well, no you don't, but...what I was saying was it's figurative...Oh bloody hell, I forgot what I was talking about!  
Wot? we were talking about something?  
Never mind, you silly man.  
The two stared at the sunset until the angry tentacle reappeared and flung them down their preordained paths.  
  
Again, Raziel awoke with a killer headache and a deep hunger for souls. Whatever this glyph was required immense amounts of energy to maintain, and he sorely regretted his previous zeal to follow the Elder's command.  
Raziel, you have disappointed me greatly, the Elder bellowed from below him.  
Raziel screamed like a girl and jumped to his feet. He took in the surroundings, noticed the murals on the wall and the Pillars around him, and tossed a pebble into the water around the Pillars.  
Would you cut that out? the Elder admonished. Those things sting.  
Oh, I'm dreadfully sorry, Sir Gigantic Squid. Unless you can stop my headache, I can't really help but be an ass to you.  
The Elder sighed angrily.  
I'm beginning to regret my decision. Never should have directed you to that last glyph...  
Oh, is that what all this hell is about?? You neglected to inform me of this glyph's power once it came into my hands. It seems to be more powerful than it's worth, for I can't remember what the blasted thing does and it leaves me with a migraine and an empty stomach...so to speak.  
It may help you more to leave off using the glyph, Raziel. Your indiscriminate use of it may lead to much deeper problems than mere headaches.  
Mere headaches?! I suggest YOU try going through this ordeal yourself! Don't lecture me on headaches and problems and all that bull!  
...You're giving me one right now, and I don't even HAVE a head. Please, Raziel, just go find Kain and kill him.  
Oh, what if I don't feel like it?  
  
Let's say I don't feel like taking your orders in the ass anymore and, for once, I decide to do something I want to do. What do you say to that, Wonder Squid?  
The Elder growled. Don't make me destroy you, Raziel. All it requires is one thought, and I can wink you out of all existence. You will never have even been born, if you so push me.  
Raziel shuddered. His headache seemed rather miniscule in importance compared to his entire existence.  
Then I suppose you'll be going after your master and restoring balance to Nosgoth? the Elder chimed.  
I'll balance you, Raziel muttered, and tore off into the darkness of the ruins.  
  
Upon exiting the cavernous depths of the infested ruins, Raziel came upon a swamp. A very familiar swamp, in fact, the very swamp in which he had found this cursed glyph. Perhaps he could find answers to his dilemma with a second perusal of the shrine.  
He picked his way through the filth towards the location of the shrine and found it much the same as it had been when last he saw it. Noting the absence of any sign out front, he warily entered the shrine.  
The halls seemed eerily quiet. Rounding one corner, he realized the usual inhabitants of the shrine were not there. He smacked himself and muttered, Of course they wouldn't be here. Their great-grandmothers probably haven't been born yet.  
He continued down the hall, satisfied that he did not have to deal with the mangled dog and his scraggy friend, and shoved open the doors to the chamber in which he had encountered Jay and Silent Bob.  
Pure, unbroken silence rushed past him as he stared, dumbstruck, into the emptiness.  
Well, I shouldn't be surprised about their absence either, considering their apparent age when I found them.  
As far as Raziel knew, twenty-something-looking potheads didn't last forever.  
Or know of the existence of Mobius's various time-streaming devices.  
Or figure out how to use said devices.  
  
Filled with a sudden dread of their return, Raziel bolted for the shrine doors. The few humans that impeded his path to...wherever he fled to...fell easily under his wraith blade, and their souls helped fuel his mad dash.  
Vorador watched from his perch, highly amused, and called out to Raziel.  
Oy, where's the fire, you funny gentleman?  
Raziel whirled about just fast enough to catch a glimpse of a very grizzly-looking vampire fading into thin air.  
Oh, very funny, Vorador...  
Raziel quickly scaled up the heights of the buildilng to catch Vorador's attention.  
Why have you been watching me?  
Vorador chuckled.  
Because you're a very amusing little fellow. I suppose you have some other questions you'd like to ask of me.  
Raziel found himself longing for the soul buried deep within the husk of Vorador and urgently quelled that need.  
Er, ah, not really. I mean, um, oh drat...I KNEW I had something important to say. I've been very forgetful of late.  
Vorador tossed back his head and laughed heartily.  
One would expect that, the way you've been hitting it...  
I beg your pardon...?  
Never you mind, Raziel, you'll find out soon enough. Just, go, fulfill your destiny or what have you, and enjoy yourself. He smirked before fading again.  
Raziel stood there, struck mute with confusion, and scratched his head. The angry tentacle loomed behind him and threatened him until he got his keister in gear.  
  
(And a huge long stretch of time is abruptly passed up, because the author has no patience to write out all the rest of SR2 @_@)  
  
Several wasted trips through time and hordes of dead demons later, Raziel felt his mind loosening its hold on his soul. He had been very cautious to not use the ultimate of glyphs no matter the danger of his situation, but still it tormented him. He HAD to know what it was and what were its effects, but for the life of him he couldn't remember anything about it except the headaches and bottomless hunger.  
He stepped out of the time-streaming chamber into gales of snow and sighed.  
Perhaps, since I'm going to see Janos Audron anyway, I could ask HIM what it means.  
Impatiently he hiked over the snow-covered expanses of cliffs and such on the mountainous trail to Janos's hideout. His patience wore thin: climbing each staircase, ferrying each pot of blood to its destination, unlocking every portal took more energy than he thought it should. He desperately needed a soul to feed on, but none could be found. The hope that perhaps Janos had some miserable humans lying around led him into the chambers when, at long last, he made it through the blood maze.  
Raziel...my child! What have they done to you??  
Raziel rolled his head around and glared pathetically at Janos.  
You have no inkling of the hell and torment I've been through just to get this far. Do you have any spare humans?  
Janos quirked an eyebrow. I do not understand your request. What is it you want with humans? There are none here.  
Never mind, Janos. What I came here for, what I truly wish to inquire of you, is—  
THERE'S THE BLUE BITCH!!!!! came a cry from the far end of the great hall.  
Janos and Raziel whirled instinctively and came face to face with...well, they didn't come face to face with anyone. Jay and Silent Bob were still running, rather pathetically slow, towards them down the hall.  
After a moment or two, the potheads caught up with the vampire-types, all wheezing and worn out.  
Hey, man... Jay breathed, collapsing onto Raziel's shoulder, where the fuck have you been?  
Do you know these interesting people, my lad? Janos questioned.  
Uhrr....not really. Raziel nervously tugged at the edge of his cowl.  
Hey, what the fuck is this? Playing all cold shoulder and shit. You mother fucker, you know us, man! Doesn't he know us, Lunchbox?  
Silent Bob nodded, his face flushed from exercise.  
Well, um, these are some gentlemen' I met a long time ago, Janos. I don't know how or WHY they managed to follow me all the way here; it may mean that more people could have followed me—  
Nah, man, it's just us, Jay crooned. You know, all that weed and shit started to die off right after you left. Our stash lasted us a pretty long time, but when we tried to plant more it just died. Couldn't grow a fuckin' thing there no more. We were gettin' pretty desperate, as Lunchbox will tell ya, so we decided we had to find you, see if we could get that glyph back.  
By all that is SACRED, if I could give it back to you I would. It's given me more pain than power.  
Well, no shit, Sherlock! Jay retorted. You're just a fuckin' amateur! It takes a while to get used to it!  
Janos stared inquisitively at Raziel. What is...this glyph' you speak of?  
Raziel grunted, It's supposedly the most powerful of all elemental glyphs. It's called the Psyche Glyph or what have you. I don't truly understand it, nor do I wish to keep it. Would you happen to know anything about it?  
Hmmmm. I do not know of a Psyche Glyph, but a Psychedelic Glyph I know very well.  
And Janos smirked.  
Raziel felt a bit nervous and turned to Silent Bob.  
But...how DID you follow me?  
the large, normally-silent one replied, it really wasn't so hard. We went to that old dead guy's place, the Chronoplast or whatever, and I calibrated it to track you.  
Man's a fuckin' genius, Jay added. I woulda been in that shit-hole for years tryin' to figure it out!  
As I was saying, Bob continued, we had a few problems, since you've been skipping around all over time, but when we finally got a lock on you, you were here.  
Now you know how and why we found you, fuckin' son of a bitch. Fork over the fuckin' weed and shit already.  
I don't HAVE any weed! What the bloody hell are you going on about? I haven't taken anything of the sort from you!  
Janos interrupted, Ah, but you are mistaken, Razie—  
  
The huge double doors burst open and heavily armed Sarafan knights poured in.  
Startled out of his wits, Raziel promised himself that he'd never use the glyph again—after this incident.  
The Sarafan, hit with the full effects of the glyph, reeled about and fell on their bums. Most of them moaned as they did so, but the leader—clad in dark red plate armor—made nary a sound.  
Awww, that's the shit! Jay chimed, happily stoned. You blue mother fucker, that fuckin' RULED!  
Raziel tried to smile, but for lack of a jaw succeded only in squinting his eyes.  
Don't mention it, old fellow.  
Janos blinked, his hands trembling slightly. His lips flexed as if he were about to say something, and slowly a smile spread across his face.  
Raziel...you don't know what you've done!  
  
I've been looking for that glyph for years! I—I must have banished it somewhere in a fit of ecstasy! I thought I'd lost it forever!!  
Raziel shouted. YOU'RE responsible for this glyph??  
No, no, you child! It was a gift from one of the nine guardians of the Pillars. A party favor, if you will.  
Janos suddenly wrapped his arms around Raziel and squeezed him so hard he almost snapped in two.  
Thank you, Raziel! Thank you so much!!!  
Raziel might have minded this great discomfort if he himself wasn't high.  
The leader of the Sarafan shook his head and murmured, What are we doing here? I'm freezin' me bum off.  
I don't know, one of the guards replied. It's bloody cold in here. Let's go.  
Wot? I thought we came here to kill a vampire, another retorted.  
Kill a vampire?! yet another snapped. Wot would we do that for?  
Well, you see, we ARE the Sarafan. All dedicated to devouring the scourge or something...  
I can't see a DAMN thing with this helmet on! the leader cried out and whisked it off, revealing his sharply chiseled face and almost-chin-length hair.  
Raziel had been amused just listening to their silly banter, but upon meeting the eyes of the Sarafan leader he pulled a double take.  
Have I gone mad? he asked himself. Or is that me?  
the leader muttered. It's like...lookin' in a bloody talking mirror or something.  
Just as the two Raziels were about to poke each other and unwrite all of history, the Elder's tentacle emerged from the decorative rug on Janos's floor, slapped them all silly, and then reached out and slapped the author silly.  
ENOUGH OF THIS MADNESS!!!! he bellowed. GO FIND SOMETHING BETTER TO DO WITH YOUR TIME!!!  
  
Le Fin  
  
Phew...I thought that would NEVER end @_@ but it did! Please send your comments, your reviews, your critiques, or what have you. ^-^


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